My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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