That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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