I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
