ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
