Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
