Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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