Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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