a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
