i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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