In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
