I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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