There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
