I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
