Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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