so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
