Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
