she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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