i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
That accounts for only three of the penises
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
How does one acquire holy water?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
