vagina is talking i cant
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I will be naked everywhere
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
