I'm gonna have a badass scar
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
