yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
