I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
