Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
