I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
This house was built for laser tag.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
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