Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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