I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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