i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
