another moral hangover. fuck.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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