I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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