i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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