I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
