one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
