I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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