then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
