Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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