i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
