Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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