I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
