its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
