So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
