I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
