you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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