I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
