Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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