the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
