I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
