you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
