Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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