I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
