New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
